


Where Thoughts Go

by Willowanderer



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anger, Dubious Consent, I want to point out that nothing actually happens it's just talked about, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Self-Harm, Sexual Roleplay, Sexual Violence, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-01-27 07:16:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21388225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willowanderer/pseuds/Willowanderer
Summary: Just because you accept the thoughts can't hurt you doesn't mean you don't think them.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit Sanders
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42





	Where Thoughts Go

Logic suggested that the best way to deal with intrusive thoughts was to accept that they were just that, thoughts, and they should be accepted, examined, and if necessary, discarded.

Logan was a hypocrite.

Just like Deceit heard and collected lies, even the lies that the Sides only told themselves, Remus was the receptacle where all the thoughts that are answered with a ‘no’ end up. 

There were a lot of sexual fantasies. Violent urges. 

_Tear my skin off, it’s not good enough._

_Choke on my tongue better than speaking._

_Hit him hurt him make him pay_

_Wonder if he’d scream in that voice._

_If I choked would him he know how I felt?_

_Choke him on my tongue_

_Fuck him against the window. _

_Those scissors are sharp enough._

_Patton’s lips around my cock._

_Down the street not across the lane._

_Don’t let me wake up._

_My hands are strong enough to just crush him_

_On the floor…_

_Die on my own failures, respawn like a video game to die again_

_On the table..._

_Put holes through the wall_

_Bite him until he squeals, until he begs until he cries for mercy and don’t give it to him._

_I can get my claws under them and just pull... _

“If you really want them off, I suggest a potato peeler.” Remus tipped his head back, further than bones would allow.

“I beg your pardon?” Deceit asked smoothly, sitting more upright. He was sitting on the couch with a book, and he’d been leaning on his hand while he read. Remus, by contrast, was lying on the tv, possibly because Deceit had told him he couldn’t. Reaching up Remus produced one and dragged it down his cheek without breaking the skin, because he didn’t feel like cleaning up after himself. He wasn’t really in the mood for violence. Well of most types.

Deceit blinked. 

“Ah, I see.” he did not catch it as it was tossed to him. 

Remus swung his leg back and forth idly. 

“You know, there are a lot of Daddy issues going on up there.” 

“There really are.” 

“Dee…”

“I am not pretending to be Patton tonight.” 

_ Break them down make them see shut up shut up shut up just do it, bitch don’t question me _

Remus swung his leg around cartwheeling off his perch and rolling across the floor until he collided with Deceit’s legs, looking up at him with beseeching eyes, hands on his thighs. “What if,” he offered hoarsely. “What if I told you what they wanted to do, what he wants done and will never admit….” his tongue flicked out across his lips, and for an instant, the very distinctly Duke expression was on Patton’s face. “I’ll leave out the snuff bits from Logan’s irritation station.” 

Deceit pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“Will you at least do the voice when you do that?” 

“Aw, I’m sorry kiddo. Did I break your immersion?” He grinned cheekily, teeth still too sharp to be a perfect imitation. “Didn’t mean to ‘pop’ your bubble.” 

“This… isn’t healthy.” he managed. 

“I have to let it out.” Remus whined, disguise falling away. “There’s so much…” he dragged his fingers along his lower eyelid, nails digging in, blood started to pool under his nails, mixing with tears that he had no control over. “Put out my own eyes and look still with lust… it’s _better _with real people.” 

“Yes, because that’s exactly what we are.” 

“Aw, don’t be all Logan-y at me. If you aren’t going to be very Logan-y at me, at least.” 

_A different death for each of them. Choked, head bashed open, impaled. _

Such vivid, clinical images- that wasn’t impalement, Logan, that was evisceration.

Remus liked that word. He liked the sounds of lots of big words. Such an angry impotent man. His legs shuddered and twisted against the floor, but he pressed his head to the cushion instead of Deceit’s leg. Because he understood. Of all of them, they were made of leftovers, of discarded pieces given form. Lies and unused ideas. 

“I cannot be forgiven.” the thought broke full grown and unwanted.

“You don’t need to be.” and it could have been a lie or not. 

_Hold me._

That came from inside.

He threw up. 

**Author's Note:**

> in google docs, I made the different thoughts different colors, which REALLY worked for the last one, but I couldn't figure out how to do it here.
> 
> you know when you sit down, and you thought you were going to explore people's sexual fantasies, and instead you get something entirely different?  
I thought I was going to write about the sides repressing sexual thoughts about Patton. And there's some of that in there. But that is not what this is about.


End file.
